Do you feel blocked by self doubt?

If so, you’re not alone. Self doubt is an epidemic among smart women.

Even when we appear confident to others, inside is often a world of second-guessing, negative thinking and low worth.

Why does this happen?

Some of us we were outright told by someone when we were young that we were wrong or couldn’t trust our instinct.

Others felt like we were never heard or taken seriously so we figured what we had to say wasn’t valuable.

Still others of us had made so many promises to ourselves that we didn’t keep that we lost confidence in ourselves.

Whatever the reason, at some point, we began questioning everything about ourselves and instead of turning within for our sense of trust, worth, meaning and safety, we “Outsourced” that job to others.

We stopped listening to our gut instinct. We let others tell us what is right and wrong. We let information replace our own intuition, and we got further and further away from our true selves.

This is a phenomenon I call the “External Feedback Loop.”

The External Feedback Loop is where you “outsource” your sense of worth and identity to others and so that the way you see yourself is caught up with how others perceive or treat you.

For example, if you get attention, you make that mean that you’re worthy. If you get ignored, you make that mean that you’re not important.

Your entire orientation shifts from being internally centered to being externally focused. 

Some common “Outsourcing” patterns are people pleasing, pretending, performing, proving, playing small, holding back, avoiding speaking up, being inauthentic, trying to be perfect or trying to get others to like us.

If you’ve ever been caught up with patterns like these you know that living this way is exhausting…

You never feel like you’re doing enough. You can’t relax and everything feels out of control.

So how do we get out of The External Feedback Loop?

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Do you have a good life but can’t seem to fully enjoy it?

I hear this from amazing women all the time…

“I have so much to be grateful for! Why can’t I just be happy?”

If you ever think this too, it doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. It’s just a sign of incongruence.

With incongruence, your inner reality doesn’t match your external experience.

In your life that can show up as…

…Putting on a happy face and being positive when you’re really actually exhausted and irritated.

…Knowing what healthy foods to eat but not sticking to eating them.

…Appearing confident to others but inside struggling with low self esteem, doubt and not feeling good enough.

…Wanting to feel light and joyful but instead feeling weighed down and stuck.

And a host of other inconsistencies.

(To find out more about the incongruent qualities that could be affecting you, download The Congruence Code Accelerator).

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I know what to do, I’m just not doing it.” Do you ever say that to yourself?

I hear this on Free From Food Clarity Calls with women all the time. It makes sense when you’ve spent hours on self-improvement, have a head full of nutrition knowledge and are used to figuring everything out.

But often times underneath that “I know what to do!” is usually a deeper…

“What am I missing??? What am I doing wrong!”

I’m reminded of a woman I shared time with on the phone recently who worked in the health field, had tons of nutrition knowledge, but still didn’t understand why she was slipping back to binging and obsessing about food.

“I want freedom from this!”

She was exhausted, but was also committed to figuring it out, so she’d push herself past the fatigue, haul herself off the the gym and try endlessly to get things under control.

This is a common mistake I see so many women make.

Thinking that the solution is in figuring things out and getting things under control.

Here’s the thing. You can’t figure out freedom. Nor can you control your way to being free.

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Do you get on a good run, doing the right thing, feeling good, only to sabotage yourself with old patterns?

Why do I do this!

 I KNOW better!

 It’s so frustrating!

This is what I hear from women all the time. Women who’ve done enough inner work to know that there’s something deeper going on, but who still feel stuck and without clarity on the missing pieces.

Can you relate?

If you get caught in a sabotage cycle with food, alcohol, playing small or some other kind of distraction pattern, chances are it’s sprouting from from one of these 3 places:

Your Inner Tantrum. This is the part of you that feels like you deserve a reward. I want what I want! This is the sabotage voice that is sick and tired of being who others need you to be and wants this one thing just for you. So even though you can tell yourself that a certain food, behavior or pattern is bad for you, there’s another part that says, “F” it, I don’t care!

Your Inner Victim. This is the part of you that feels like you’re always going to have to deal with this so you figure, why bother fighting it. This is just what I do to deal.  This sabotage voice marinates in self pity and is resigned to things never changing.

Your Fear Toggle Point. This is the sabotage pattern that comes up when you’re faced with an opportunity to step into your next level of freedom or fullest potential, but instead you grip to what’s safe and familiar, even though you know taking that step into the unknown is more aligned with what you ultimately want. This sabotage voice gets overwhelmed or confused, I don’t know what I want, or it starts rationalizing, coming up with reasons why you simply can’t take that step now, like, It’s not a good time right now.

All 3 of these sabotage patterns can keep us stuck and blocked from freedom. The good news is that if you’re struggling with one or more of them, you can start getting free from them right now.

Watch this video to find out how!

In dedication of all things raw, real and recovered,

xoDeb